I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
