Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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