having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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