I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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