the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
