There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
