That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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