just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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