I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
