no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
