Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
