i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
