At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
