I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
