I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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