I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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