Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
