i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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