He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
