Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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