It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
