My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
