I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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