I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
