from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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