Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
