Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
