Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
