I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
