how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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