i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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