He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
