Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I currently don't understand fingers.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
