just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
