update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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