there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
