I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
