Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
