Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
