I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
