he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm too high and old for this...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
