does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
