Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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