wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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