So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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