I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
