Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
