im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Enjoy the penises
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
