Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
