Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
